so, here are three ways that i know that i am truly happy right now...

1) i can't stop smiling or singing
2) i called my mom 4 times yesterday just to tell her i love her
3) i cried all the way home from work after hearing "i hope you dance" on the radio (i'm such a punk)

....clap your hands. *clap clap*

so my trip down to atlana was great. much needed. much appreciated. i pretty much love jesse(shana), jessi(ryan), and jessie(kyla). they are really wonderful women. glee club was fun a little. ummm, yeah, 107?? what are these renovations?? there are a lot of people in there that i don't know. but it felt nice to sing again even if it was from the sick corner. i feel so good about my life right now. it's ridiculous. perhaps even a little illegal. laura english-robinson is basically the greatest voice teacher ever in the history of the world. *sigh* i really do feel quite elated. hopefully the next two months fly by so that i can go move back to atlanta for good.

i finally feel as though i have some closure, in a weird kinda surreal way. i love you and i hope that one day you will want to have the kind of friendship we used to have. i would really like that, but if it doesn't happen, i'm not gonna kill myself. thank you for showing me how to feel beautiful. thank you for showing me how to love myself. thank you for teaching me how to be happy. (maybe you weren't aware of those contributions to my life, but you certainly made them) whenever you wanna be my friend, i'll just be here...waiting. i refuse to break the commitment i made to love you just because my heart is broken.

p.s.- happy birthday adraea for the 50th time today...

i just gotta say, facebook is trying to do it up real big with this notes and blog import thing. i didn't even know you could do that. but it's fine. i've been such a lame lately. wakin' up at around 8:30/9am to get ready for work. be to work by 10:30. leave work at 2:30pm. go to the library or the park. go back to work at 4:00pm. get off work around 9/9:30pm. come home and watch law and order svu. play diner dash. (which, by the way, i beat the entire game last night!! no congradulations are necessary...) maybe talk to shana-gay or adraea or ericka, depending upon if they call me or not. usually in the bed by around 12:30/1ish. do it all over again. i always feared having a mindless, mundane routine. i feel like i'm too ADD/schitzo for everything being exactly the same. at least being in atlanta [going to school] i could look forward to running into somebody i hadn't seen in awhile. going out for random late night snacks. puttin a couple in the air. watchin anchorman and/or madea til 3am. this regular everyday the same thing crap is old already...and it's only been a few weeks. i need to start a countdown for my glorious return to atlanta or something. i feel like maybe my friendships wouldn't be suffering the way they are currently. or maybe just the lack of social activity is giving me blue balls. i dunno. but i do know that it sucks a little. however, me and God have been havin just a good ol' time chillin. maybe i'll invite Him to the movies this weekend. i need some excitement. real bad. cuz this right here is just not cuttin it for me. i just got three new books yesterday so i'm gonna try reading rather than playing addicting computer games. at least my imagination will be temporarily satisfied...

i wish i had something of substance to say that would interest everyone.

but since i don't, i'll just say that i've been really, really, REALLY missing adraea lately. prolly cuz this is the time of year where we scope out the new freshies. and listen to the new glee clubbers audition. and talk about glee phi. and tell the fresh(wo)men all about tour stuff and how great the glee club is. *sigh* and this would be the last time we'd be able to do that but i'm all the way up here in fuckin' connecticut. sure would be nice to meet a new solee.....

i love you adraea. i'll call you tonight prolly. cuz i miss you. a whole bunch.

i'm tryna waste time til it's time for me to go back to work at 5:30, maybe i'll go take a nap in the car....especially since i have the van today. plenty of room to spread out.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

dear Lord,

thank you for breathing the breath of life
thank you for the beauty of relationship
thank you for the strength of recognition
thank you for the power to let go
thank you for hooka, mango tobacco, cigars and cherry wine
thank you for bonfires, s'mores and 3 o'clock in the morning
thank you for experience and wisdom gained
thank you for lesson taught and learned
thank you for traveling grace and mercy
bless their holy union
thank you for blessing me

in Jesus name i pray,

amen

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

i got my new test meter today (it was on sale for 10 bucks the regular price is $85)...the freestyle one with all the commercials about how it doesn't really hurt and stuff....and....it really doesn't hurt. no more fingersticks. no more stinging. no more excess bleeding. and the best part is that i can play my guitar again!!! GO TEAM!!!

*note to self, call doctor to order more test strips and change prescription*

i'm excited.

this is prolly the happiest thing to happen to me in awhile.

YAY FOR EXCITEMENT!!!

plus, i'm leaving to go visit atlanta/go to delaine's wedding tomorrow. i get to see shana-gay and kyla jean and rye bread....maybe adraea if she ever picks up her phone....and i get to go to delaine's wedding (thanks AMBER!! you're the BEST ever!!)

also, i got another job today. so all in all. it's been the greatest wednesday of my life....i'd say........

oh, i almost forgot....

i have no money cuz my job is TRIPPIN!! and i need to get to ohio for delaine's wedding. the bridal shop won't buy back my dress. i can't sell my guitars cuz i won't see the money from that for like two or three weeks. and my dad spent all his 'lauren fund' money on my doctor visits and prescriptions....

life is actually better senza my pseudo. we'll see how much longer this lasts....hopefully forever....

i have some pretty cool people in my life (including the ones i don't even talk to or haven't seen in forever)....thanks for all the love. i definitely need it now prolly more than i ever have....

what triggered this you say? xecutiv enough said. i <3 you too my little ray of sunshine. and you're right, i prolly shouldn't be your friend. but that's never been my personality. the good always outweighs the bad with me in most cases. plus, you're cute so that's always a plus. ;) ;) ;)

actually, it really initially started with sillyvegangoose thanks, i appreciate it. i dunno i think i've prolly just been conditioned to think i was ugly. it was the way i was raised. neither of my parents have ever told me they thought i was beautiful, or pretty, or even mildy pleasant to look at. EVER. like in my entire life. but i dunno. maybe i'll deal with that one day....

well, the hospital lost my urine sample so i had to drive all the way back up there to give them another one. my medicine is helping alot. i have seen MAJOR improvement and its only been like a day or so. praise the lord for medical advances and research.

oolauroo, i miss you my love, and i am DEFINITELY ready for this shit to be over....trust me.

so...i think i'm supposed to be going on a date tomorrow night or something. but i'm not sure. i was really confused when i got off the phone with jean last night (i met him last week and we've talked on the phone a few times). he's french. so i guess i'll just blame my confusion on his accent. but i dunno. he's a cutie. and so is his son. yeah i know, i dunno why in the world i "agreed" to go out with him. but i'm bored. and extremely lonely......did i mention i was lonely? is this what they mean when people say they're "on the rebound"? i dunno. i just hope i have fun. besides, i'm leaving in like a week anyway, so what harm can one little date do. i need some attention anyway...i need someone to tell me i'm pretty and all that other bullshit that used to get told to me. now, whether or not those statements are true are irrelevant. it's just nice to hear that not everyone in the world thinks i look like a mongrel. maybe one day i'll have some self-esteem, but until then, i'll just keep talking to mr. jean st. juste, cuz he's really good at making me blush from all his mushy compliments. in fact, i'm blushing right now just thinkin about it....


p.s.- the doctor says i'm not gonna die (damn!) however it's gonna take about a month or so for me to get better. it's time for some insurance, round one of my medications cost almost $80. get this....i paid $14 for one lousy pill!!! imma be pissed as fuck if it doesn't work. cuz round two of medication starts next week and those meds are twice as expensive. at this rate, i'll never get back in school or have a car. even though i'm supposed to be going back to atlanta next week, i might have to stay up here for a little while longer, or at least until i'm done with the medication cuz i have no doctor to go to in atlanta, and no money to pay all this medicine...

about to go to the doctor (finally)

feeling a little something, maybe better

i don't want to get my hopes up again

that would make me even dumber

you're supposed to learn from your mistakes,

not do the same stupid shit over and over again

let's see what lessons this trial has to offer me

i'm ready to start a family

one where i'm the mom and there's a dad and lots of love

it's currently 102 degress outside right now,

no, i'm not talking about the heat index....

i'm not really drunk anymore.
it's time for round two.
can't wait for next sunday in new york.
maybe jessi? can bring me some fuckin ganga.
cuz alcohol is definitely not really for me.
everything is a painful reminder.
maybe i can drown out the memories.
(it won't work, but that's my life for right now)
i ate the best black bean burrito of my life at some cafe.
i saw boyz II men in concert for free.
that was a little fun and quite eventful.
some guy punched the shit outta mac's friend spencer.
and an old drunk lady hit mac with an umbrella.
bout to go to the clizub with mac + seejay.
and some other people from mac's yale thingy.
i think maybe, i'll eventually be ok.
only time will truly tell.
it's official biatches, holla atcha girl.
maybe it's immature.
but i don't really give a fuck.
actually, the real problem is that i do.
i give a hell of a lot of fuck.

shit!

well, it sucks. and i didn't sleep last night. which wasn't good cuz i had to go to work today at 8. but i left early. so that i could get drunk and smoke a clove. and here i am now at the mcalister's house chillin with her and seejay. *they don't know why i'm really upset though* however, in order to prevent myself from becoming bitter (i definitely have the potential to do that and i don't need that kinda shit in my life) i've been listening to this song nonstop since about 3am. it's by ashley parker angel. some random fuckin white boy, but i like the song. and the lyrics pretty much apply. this is basically my anthem for next like two months. maybe it'll help me have a speedy recovery....

let you go
broken promises
but you don't really mind
it's not the first time and you know it
don't you know
tell me why it is you only smile inside
but when you break me into nothing
don't you know
it's not like i haven't tried over and over again
stupid fights, wrong or right
goodbye
i remember when you came with me that night
we said forever, that you would never let me go
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
no i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
you're the one mistake i really didn't mind
so beautiful, unmerciful
it took me down
too little and too late
see now I know your kind
you fake it easy just to please me
don't you know
it's not like we haven't tried over and over again
sleepless nights, wrong or right
goodbye
i remember when you came with me that night
we said forever, that you would never let me go
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
no i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
i gotta let you go
it's you
there's nothing i can do

well alright....

i'm the only one left in the world who believes [in] me.
but that doesn't really count for much.
so tell me, tell me why i'm here again?

i'm really really really really sick of this skin situation i'm having.

sure would be a good time to have some insurance or something.

a total of six hours i've cried over this situation.

i'm such a punk bitch.

now i see why people get so upset about acne and shit.

maybe this is God's way of letting me get a taste of non-clear skin.

damn.

damn, damn, DAMN!

so, i've been feeling something heavy on my heart for the past week or so concerning my razzle dazzle. then i sign on today, and read her journal and now i know the reason why. note to self: give my persian twin a call ASAP!

poor ayden has a cold and he looks so pitiful. i wish all his fever and sniffles and discomfort would just melt away. i don't want him to be sick. :( i just fed him and he decided that gerber sweet potatos would go well with my outfit today. thanks buddy, good lookin.

some other stuff, some other stuff, blah blah blah. i'm about to go and hang out with mcallister for awhile, then it's off to pick up vereen so we can go to david's bridal and try on our bridesmaids dresses or whatever. i don't feel like i'm bridesmaid material. in fact, the whole process seems kinda, i dunno.....something to me. but at least i'll get to see some friends. i've been incredibly lonely here as of late.

it's been rough. i'm ready for the end of summer to come upon us all. a new dawning. maybe the dawn of the age of aquarius. technically, it'll be the age of the leo. but, who cares? they didn't write a song about that.

thanks ryorisa for supplying me with ( this ) i've seen 104...

in other news, i need to hurry up and find a job. and today, i felt real dumb cuz i thought i knew how to use excel, but i really don't. my advice for the day is simple: if you're a spelmanite reading this, even if you're exempt, you should prolly take CIS, i'm pretty sure it will help you as boring as it may seem. for non-spelmanites, take your college's equivalent computer literacy course. [end public transmission]

i'm hungry. ayden has a fever. young_n_free, we're buddies. or whatever. punkin_07, fuck all dem ssesi bitches and hoes. tell them i said, they're all a bunch of losers and you're pretty much the queen of non-loserdom and greatness. i tremble with fear and humility in your presence. *there's a thin line between hilarious and crazy. very thin indeed*

i'd like to give a <3 to causticblonde, i miss you homie....

ok bye.

i'm here with the fam....and ayden is jumpin up and down on me making it difficult to type. he called himself "helping me" on the internet earlier....too bad he googled klsdj89347, too bad for him. he's so cute and precious. i love him. i had a horrible day yesterday. 10 hours at hartsfield-jackson atlanta airport. arriving to ct at 4am. delicious. speaking of delicious, my breakfast was excellent. french toast, eggs, homefries....MMMMMMMMMMMMM. ok, well this entry is really boring and lame, i promise more excitement, prolly not, but maybe later.

i miss you
i love you

dear Lord,

help me to find a way to cope
teach me the value of patience
show me the path to happiness
guide me into peace
lead me away from temptation
calm me during this storm
shelter me from defiance
love me in spite of shortcomings
direct me into Your Presence
take me when You come again

in Jesus name i pray,
amen

p.s.- please?

so, the doctor told me over the phone that i had said thrush, however, i felt so shitty that i just decided to go ahead and go back to the emergency room where a blood test showed that i actually have mono. currently, i'm deciding which building is high enough to jump off.

as a direct result of the antibiotic i'm taking for my tonsillitis, i now have oral thrush, a fungus of the mouth that usually only occurs in babies and the elderly. who wants to read my eulogy next week? that privilege will be given to the highest bidder.